Final Fantasy IX: The Last Stand
by DaXWhiteLighters-4678
Summary: The few chosen party members rise up to make a last stand for their freedom to preform Acts of Random StupiditeE  ARSE, get it?  and to live their wild, spazzy lives, free from Kuja's rule. Much stupider despite my serious plot. RATED R


Rated T for very very strong language and retarded situations

Larry and Vivi: Ahhhh! **Look at all the lovely people!** AHHHHHH look at the lovely people!

Garnet: It's lonely people you twits

Amarant: Bloody Beatle Wannabes should die!

Freya: Watch yer tongue, big boy! I happen to be a huge Beatles fan!

Amarant: Ohhhh man!

All are swimming in a pea green boat beneath the kaleidoscope sky

Skye Mage: Yeah you readers are probably wondering why I'm hangin in 1960's with the Heroes of Gaia instead of the Waltzes, but you see writers block among other things has hit me harder and therefore to protect my story from being torn apart by my my frenzied desires to publish-regardless of it stinking or not-I forced myself to take a break-

Quina: So she may tell stories about our past!

Eiko: The true story!

Garnet: That's right!

Vivi: **How it all really happened **

Amarant: Great I'm surrounded by a bunch of sentimental, Beatles loving, psychedelic losers!

Garnet: You know what? You can leave!

Amarant: Maybe I will!

Jumps out into the looking glass surface and starts swimming towards the peach colored buildings of San Francisco, at the same time Lisa Simpson floats above them

Vivi: **Look! It's Lisa in the sky!**

Skye Mage: Yah, but with no diamonds!

Freya: Uhhh, I'm glad he's gone!

Amarant, referring to Skye Mage and the lot: Now I can get some peace and quiet away from that bitch!

Freya: …What was that?

Garnet: I think my watch died of sheer boredom, so could we get jiggy with it or what?

Skye Mage: Sure thing, this my dear readers is the true story of Final Fantasy IX…Lets begin with the Final Battle!

MAIN CHARACTERS

Quina – A food possessed, tyrannical idiot who ironically has genius powers beyond anyone's comprehension.

Freya – The mysterious, sexy Dragon Knight with a deep, British drawl.

Amarant – Obsessed to a fault with babes and booze.

Vivi – A very short, deep voiced Love Guru whose tantric powers are beyond measure.

The Eternal Calamity or the Darkness of Stupidity

"Ohhh," moaned Larry struggling to stand up, "My nuts..That bastard, Kuja!" he hissed and looked around at the smoky surrounding. "Hey! Where the heck are we? The last time I was conscious was at the Rock Candy kicking Kuja's ass! Now it looks like where in some sort of cave or-"

It was then he caught sight of his fellow party members sprawled out on the charred ground at his feet and began to panic.

"Oh no! NO! They're dead! No wait! They're breathing! Are they sleeping? No wait they're eyes are open-"

"**We're not dead you flippin idiot!"**Vivi cried out irritably, his 'Idiots' echoing off the distant rocky walls of the cave.

"Hey cool! Vivi, check this out!" Larry took a deep breath and shouted "Boobs!"

Boobs

Boobs

Boobs

"Heyhey! Everyone together now!

AAARRROOoooooooo!"

"**KUCKooooooooooo!"**

"WhooooOOOOOOooooo!"

"**KUCKOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? I WAS RESTING!"

A new voice boomed throughout the smoky caves causing some of the scaffolding to fall all about them. "Who are you?" Larry called out to the clouds above "No wait-are you God?"

"HELL NO! WHAT GIVES YOU THAT IDEA?"

"Well we're in some sort of cave, obviously and that bright light up there must be Heaven and the souls of the damned are screaming about us, so I figured it was Judgement Day or something-'

"Oh damn," muttered Amarant from somewhere behind him "I knew those visits to the strip club were gonna come back to haunt me!"

"What was that?" Freya growled

"Nothing, candy cane, nothing at all."

"Well it better be nothing!" Her voice sounded abnormally dangerous.

"Hey wait a minute!" Larry said "If this is Heaven, where's Jesus Christ?" He glanced about him as if he were hiding behind some large rock or floating upon a mercury colored cloud above, "He must be here somewhere.."

"NO. THIS IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE. YOU STAND AT THE FINAL DIMENSION AND I AM ONE BAD ASS FIGMENT OF KUJA'S SICK, TWISTED IMAGINATION..NOW TO RANDOMLY QUOTE FROM STAR WARS-FEAR BECOMES ANGER, HATE BECOMES HATE, HATE TURNS TO SUFFERING..KUJA WAS A VICTIM OF THAT FEAR. HE CONCLUDED THAT THE ONLY WAY TO BRING HUMANITY TO IT'S SENSES WAS TO DESTROY THE VERY SYMBOL OF STUPIDITY-THE ROCK CANDY.."

"The hell? That makes no sense AT ALL!" Larry cried out "If there was no Acts of Random Stupidity there's no life as we know it!"

"NOW THE THEORY IS UNDENIABLE. KUJA'S ACTIONS PROVE THAT ALL STUPIDITY SHOULD BE ELIMINATED FROM LIFE…AT LAST HUMANITY HAS DISCOVERED THE TRUTH, NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE WORLD OF LAUGHTER AND CHEERS!"

"You bastard! Why would you do such a thing?"

"I EXIST FOR ONE PURPOSE TO BRING EVERYTHING BACK TO THE ETERNAL CALAMITY, WHERE THERE IS NO BOOZE, NO CAFFEINE, NO SUGARY DRINKS WHATSOEVER, CHILDISH WHIMS ARE STIFLED AND UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER AT THREE AM IS NO MORE!"

"Who the hell do you think you are? God? You're not ending anything! NEVER! As long as we have the desire to get hyper!"

"FOOLISH CREATURE. ALREADY THE ASPARTAME IN ALL THAT DIET COLA YOU DRUNK HAS BLINDED YOU. ONE DAY YOU WILL CHOOSE THE SEDENTARY LIFE AS KUJA DID. NOW HERE'S THE DEALEO: EITHER YOU FOOLISHLY SACRIFICE YOUR LIVES FOR THE SAKE OF STUPIDITY OR YOU ENTER THE ETERNAL CALAMITY WITHOUT A FUSS SO I CAN GO BACK TO MAKING LIFE HELL FOR THE MASSES.."

"NEVER! We'll destroy you and prove you wrong!"

"I HAD A FEELING YOU MIGHT SAY THAT! VERY WELL, I CHALLENGE YOU ALL TO A FIGHT TO THE DEATH IN MY LUXURY COLISEUM!"

Larry fell to his knees then, the excruciating pain in his crotch flared violently. "OH fuck, my nuts! We can't give up now! We have to fight together!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Fight him yourself!"

"I'm sleepy!"

"**Go jump in the lake!"**

"Come on guys! Don't be like that! Think about it! If we give ourselves up we will be damned to a life without coffee, soda, countless hours of Total War and laughter at three AM! Eiko! You enjoy laughing like a flippin maniac at three AM! Wouldn't you miss that?"

"Yeah, I guess.."

"Everything that makes life worthwhile, all that flushed down the crapper!" After a very long pause in which everyone was thinking rapidly they all began to agree "Yeah, he's right."

"Of course he is!"

"Yeah! Go, Larry!"

He stood up and shouted to the coliseum in the sky "I WON'T LIVE WITHOUT DIET COLA!

But since I've been mortally wounded in the crotch, someone else must take my place-Quina! As the weakest player with the best abilities you shall take my place!"

"YAY!"

"I gotta stay here and dress my wound!"

"Hey can I help, Larry?" Garnet offered

"The hell you will! Mind your own flippin business!"

"Are you sure, Larry? I mean as a professional white mage and all maybe I could-"

"NO! NO! NO!"

"Okay! Okay! Sheesh! And yes!" she spat at Quina "Please accept my powers!" "Mmmm!" Quina growled, jumping to his feet and sniffed the air "I SMELL CUPCAKES!"

"Promise me you'll win!" Eiko called out to Freya "Or I'll never speak to you again!"

"Eiko," Freya humped "I don't actually like you, so if you never ever speak to me again it would be a blessing in disguise!"

"Although I am not worthy, please accept my powers!"

"**Damn right, your not bitch!" Vivi snapped finally up to here with that stupid knight's sickenly humble demeanor ****"But yes, these heighented strength will truly boost my tantric powers to the max!"**Finally Larry turned to Amarant and spoke with the highest of ceremony "Amarant, I hereby place the role of Leader unto you! The fate of Little Debbies rests in your hands!" "Hmmph!" humped the great red head, shaking a fist at him he growled "I'll see you in hell!"

Freya then took charge of the team's inventory without the others consent and gathered everyone about. Only Amarant and Vivi really payed much attention because Quina suddenly because interested in swatting zombie flies, thinking they were flying truffles or something.

"Right," she began "Since Vivi is the only one here who has Auto Life and we have one Rebirth Ring, so we must vote to see who gets it! Right, all in favor of me getting it say aye!" "Aye!" came Amarant's raspy voice from the darkness. "Ah dammnit," she swore "Alright, Amarant, your next!" "'Kay!" he grumped "All in favor of me getting the Life Ring say aye!" "Aye!" his devoted lover chorused from the dark "Shit! Fine, Quina you get the fucking Rebirth Ring!" "Yay!" Quina cheered bouncing about "I get Rebirth Ring! I get Rebirth Ring! I get Rebirth Ring! I get-" "Shut the hell up Quina!" Freya growled dangerously..

Twenty minutes later….

"Hey!" Larry spoke up after a long awkward silence in which nobody did anything save for pray like mad "What are we supposed to do while they're kicking his ass?" "Weeelll.." Eiko drawled sidiling up to Larry "We could.." **whisper whisper**"What? NO! Oh! GOD NO EIKO! NO! I'm not gonna do it!" "Oh come on!" NO! Go bug Steiner if you wanna do that! Geezuz..Although," he growled seductively pressing closer to Garnet "I know someone who I wouldn't mind doing it with!" "Get the hell off me, Larry!" she shrieked "I wanna watch them kick that guy's butt! GO VIVI!"

"**Bless your heart little rabbit."**Vivi sighed flourishing his Mace of Zeus and Freya stood up looking about importantly "Okay, any last words? None? Amarant? No? Oh okay..lets go.." **"Hey how about we sing the national anthem to give us some courage? Alright all together now-a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down and diddle diddle dum and a dum dum dee-"**"Ah screw the song!" Amarant growled "Lets get jiggy with it!" "By the powers of naughtiness, HEROES OF GAIA UNITE!" "What the flip kind of team name is that?" Amrant growled "I thought we agreed to go by the name of Team Bad Ass!" "As I recall, it Team Munchies!" "Wha?" "I voted for Team Alpha Dragon Squanders." Freya humped **"Alright! Forget the fucking name! The point is we're gonna burn out someday but it is not this day! This day we fight! Let's go, guys!"**"Come on, Amarant!" Freya cried "The future of sugar rest in our hands!" "Frankly my dear, ah don't give a damn about sugar, at least there's always booze.." "Amarant, he said there would be no more booze either." "WHAT? Alright where the fuck is he? I want at 'im!" "Yay! I get Rebirth Ring!" Quina called from the darkness..

And they engaged in battle…

"Alright, it's time to rock and r-HOLY SHIT!" he swore as Necron came into view "That's him?" "The fuck?" said Freya "It looks like Willy Wonka gone mental!" "Hehehe!" Quina giggled "It look like giant marshmallow with claws! I eat it!" "No Quina!" Freya snapped as they rose up into the air "You cannot eat this monster and if you dare waste one turn trying to, I seriously swear I will go mental on your ass!" "Oh well, I still have Rebirth Ring!" "Vivi!"

Amarant called to the little black mage "Show him some hell!" "I'm on it!" he nodded and lunged forward waving his staff about **"Firaga!"**he called watching the flames lick the monster's body and explode in a mushroom like cloud about him. The mage himself nearly fell over as a heat wave blew past him.

"YOU CALL THAT FIRAGA? CHECK THIS OUT!"

And he retaliated with the same attack, this time hitting Freya and she got caught on fire, she dropped to the ground-I mean the air, what the hell are they standing on anyway?- "OH YOU DID NOT JUST HIT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Amarant fumed

"Amarant!" Freya called over the sound of drums that some disembodied band started to play VERY LOUDLY "There's no visible genitalia so I have no idea where to attack him! Where do you suppose his weak spots are? In his face? His chest? Wha?"

"Working on it, baby!"

"HEHEHEHE! THEY'LL NEVER GUESS THAT IT'S IN MY BOOBS!" Necron's voice rang through the red head's mind and turning to Freya he called out "Freya! Stick his boobs!"

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?"

"I just read yer mind," Amarant grinned looking at his nails "Natural talent."

"OH SHIT.."

"That's right, bitch! Freya!" "Right!" and she sprung like the great Lancer she was a pierced the tip of her sweet ass holy lance into the monster's left boob

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU STABBED MY BOOB YOU BASTARDS! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Oh shut the fuck up!" Freya snapped.

"WANNA PLAY HARDBALL, GIRLIE? LET'S BOOGIE!"

"Boogie? How the hell are you gonna do that? You cannot even move yer arms!"

"CAN TOO! CHECK THIS!"

He then uncrossed his arms and commenced to wave them around, without moving his lower claw or any part of his lower body. The foursome looked on in shock. "What the hell?" Amarant growled "Oh my God, that's just too freaky!" Freya gasped light pulsing about her as she tranced. "See what you've done? Now my girlfriend's gone mental! I suggest you cover your boobs if I were you cause she can be one scary bitch when she's psyched up!"

"NOT FOR LONG SHE'S NOT! GRAND CROSSSSSSSS!"

"Oh crap!" Freya hissed "He's doing Grand Cross! Prepare for the worst!" Just then a gigantic explosion blasted them off their feet and a strong, putrid smell filled the air.

"AHHHHHHHHH..WHEW! MAN THOSE BEANS REALLY WENT THROUGH ME!" Necron gasped waving a hand infront of his face

"HOLY SHIT! what reeks?" Vivi cried pinching his nose then fainting from lack of air

"Okay, I seriously don't get the whole point of this cross attack. I mean it doesn't even look like a cross it just looks like a bunch of moons surrounding Planet Earth. Maybe it's a solar flare-no, wait there's lightning-IN SPACE? How the hell is that even possible?it looks like its draining the planet of it's power. I still fail to see the whole cross thing about it, it should be called Planetary Beam or Intergalactic Flare or something-NOW look at him, he looks just like a butterfly- this really is unnecess-"

But Freya was cut off from her rantings by the silence bubble that floated over her left temple. She swatted at it but it still remained. Quina now fell head over ass dead and Amarant now stood only two inches off the ground. Vivi was the only one unscathed.

"What the fuck?"

Screamed Amarant in a very tiny voice. He rushed over to Necron and slashed at his leg or whatever the hell that was.

"Take that you big piece of shit!"

"**FLARE!"**Vivi boomed flailing his rod about (no, his Mace of Zues I meant not his-) And Necron was engulfed in a great ball of flame.

"OKAY. THAT REALLY HURT. BUT CHECK THIS OUT-SEE IF ANY OF YOU PIPSQUEAKS MANAGE TO SURVIVE THIS!" The rings about him were spinning like crazy and a sigh that read Neutron Ring floated over his noggin. "Oh crap!" Freya swore "Several of us may not make it! Vivi! I wanted you to know that Garnet-" but then it hit them and Vivi ko-ed instantly but woke in a matter of seconds and looked up at Freya **"What? What did she say?"**"Oh nothing, said she thought you were pretty hot or something-but in a matey type way!" she added hastily. Vivi's lustful smile fell. The little mage's form instantly grew white and his steepled crown pointed straight up and he growled **"I DID NOT SUFFER THIS FREAKIN GAME JUST TO BE DUMPED FOR SOME STUPID MONKEY! I WILL NOT LOSE HER!"** He turned to the giant monster and swinging his golden rod over his head twice he boomed **"FLARE! AND FLARE THIS BITCH SOME MORE!"**

"I WIPE MY BUTT WITH THE HATS OF WHINY BLACK MAGES!"

"**You stupid bastard! You don't actually have a butt!"**

"YES I HAVE! LOOK!"

"**That's not an actual butt! Somebody just drew a butt in green crayon and taped it to your back!"**

"THEN HOW DO YOU SUGGEST THE GREAT COW PIE I DUMPED GOT IN MY TOILET THIS MORNING?"

"That was my turd you great twit!" came Kuja's voice from nowhere in particular..

There was a long pause. "Ummm I think this has gone a tad too far." Said Freya a bit uncomfortably

"GREAT TWIT! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I GRADUATED COLLEGE!"

"**STUDYING WHAT? Being the biggest egit of all time?"**

"IT WAS COURT LAW." Necron sniffed petulantly.

"**The hell?"**Vivi turned to Amarant **"Can you imagine this dude in a tie and carrying a flippin briefcase? God, Judge Alex would sue the shit outta this guy!"**

"JUDGE ALEX SUCKS!"

"**You know something? YOU SUCK! Now I'm gonna do what I've been wanting to do ever since I laid eyes on you five minutes ago-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMSDAY!"**

"Vivi noooooooo!" Freya screeched "If you cast that then we'll all die!"

"**Tis a chance I must take dear! If I die doing tis, please I beg you-tell Garnet I love her the best of everything in this universe and my only wish is to see her happy..Even if it means being in in the arms of a tyrannical idiot and spending an eternity in hell hating his guts..Just tell her, I'll still love her..I suffered this STUPID GAME for her.."**

Freya felt touched by Vivi's honesty and wiped away a single tear that rolled down her cheek "Yes, Vivi, I will tell her that-if we DO get out of here alive."

Amarant sniffed-in disgust "God, that sounded powerfully uncool! Vivi, since when did you become such a wuss?"

Freya turned and slapped him hard across the face "You idiot! This is the most memorable moments of the game where he confesses his true feelings to he woman he loves..AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU RUIN THE MOMENT FOR HIM!"

"HE'S BEEN YAPPING AND FLAPPING ABOUT HIS TRUE LOVE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE GAME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

"Right, I'm going now..don't anybody try and stop me.."

Setting his blazing eyes onto Necron, Vivi leaped with all his might and swung his mighty golden rod about **"YOU'RE GONNA DIE CLOWN!"** And he unleashed his unholy spell...

TO BE CONTENUED...

Theame Song: All the Small Things, blink-182

that is until Necron busts a move then it changes to You Drive Me Crazy, Britney Spears

then it kinda goes back again


End file.
